Rockies Sign Matt Kemp – MLB Trade Rumors


Ring ring (telephone)

“Hello, Ian Desmond here…”

“Hi, Ian, it’s Matt Kemp – I know we don’t talk much anymore, but Ian – you were the first person I thought of – can you help me – I need a job.”

“Matt, I’m not sure I can help. What sort of role are you looking for?”

“Ian, I’ll try to explain – it’s a little unusual… By the way, how is your good lady? And the kids?”

“Matt – she’s pregnant as usual – and the kids are, well you know, you try to let them play…”

“Sure Ian, sure. Thing is pal, rumo(u)r has it that you actually don’t want to suit up this year, and I’m – kinda – err – in between roles right now.”

“Ian, let me text you this picture – it’s me in Rockie purple.”

“Matt – please warn me in future. My kids are now hiding behind the couch because you look like one of Grandma’s enflamed haemorrhoids.”

“Err, thanks Ian, say what you see….”

“Matt, I’ve gotta be honest here – the job is yours. The Rockies are saving $5.5 million pro-rata with me staying at home and writing for Instagram and most of the Rockies fans seem happy about this.”

“Ian, I don’t know how to thank you, other than hitting .200, are you sure?”

“Matt, honestly, you’re doing me the favour. If you’ve ever tried to hit in Colorado, it’s akin to being on the moon. They give you $70 million over five years for doing it, but…”

“Sorry Ian, you’ve lost me….”

“The ball thing Matt, the ball thing. It floats around and only Arenado can hit it. And even then he has these real anger issues about being able to hit it. I tell you Matt, it’s put me off for the best part of four years.”

“Ian, should I call the Giants instead?”

“What, and be kept in a cage as Hunter Pence’s designated gimp/pinch runner? Matt – that really makes no sense… And I know Hunter, he’s all talk and no trousers. He’d love you and leave you….”

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